Dog mom to Trooper | Engineer of software | Lover of learning | Partner of Zach | She/her/hers | HOH 👂🏻
May 01, 2019 — 2 minute read
Originally written in late February 2019
The unknown is absolutely terrifying, probably because we can't control what we don't know. But have you ever taken the time to think about how it feels to have all the information you need about something and still know you can't control it? It's terrifying and infuriating.
Next week is the beginning of a totally new challenge for me. I'll be taking a class ~2 hours away from my job, and I have to change my work schedule to accommodate for the commute. 4 days per week, I'll be working from 6am - 2pm and then traveling to a lecture that lasts less than an hour.
Most of my fear about how the next 3 months will go has manifested as anger at the past. I think a lot about all the things that could and should have gone differently for me. When I went to campus a few weeks ago in preparation for the term, I couldn't help but walk the hallways feeling sad for my younger self. She deserved so much better than she got at the time.
Then I think about where I am now. I live with my best friend and the life we've built together is something beyond I ever dreamed. We have a lovely home and handsome pup we share it with. The past year has involved so much growth in our relationship and I've never connected with another human more.
What if just one thing had gone differently while I was in college? Would I still be where I am? I probably wouldn't be the same person. All I know about right now is that am completely content with my life and my relationship with myself.
It took a while for everything to feel OK. But it got there, and I made it too. I have arrived and I am resting for the next trip. Nearly a year of rest has given me the space to realize that it was definitely OK to be scared all those times.
Fear keeps us moving, whether or not it's in the right direction. What's important is that we look at our surroundings periodically to make sure we're on the right track. When you see something scary looking you dead in the eyes, just keep faith that you will be OK.
Everything will turn out exactly as it should.