
For most of 2021, I felt defeated as a disabled woman in tech. Sexism and ableism were in every part of my life at a level I'd not experienced before. I'm very used to seeing both on the internet, but even that became too much. [In a job I held for most of the year, I suffered pay discrimination, biased treatment, and sexual harassment](https://ashleemboyer.com/blog/speaking-my-truth). When I escaped that situation, I knew I'd have a lot of healing ahead of me but I had no idea how much.

One thing I've learned about what I went through is that far more people than I thought have a similar experience. What we went through may not have been very similar, but the effect of the trauma was. I think it has something to do with being in a survival mode, where all you can really think about and focus on is making it through. I think this is also a reason it can take so long to fully realize we're in traumatic situations.

As soon as we're out of immediate danger, the full gravity of a the situation can set in. We can slow down and think about what happened because we're in a place that is safer than before. In the first several weeks of my job I currently hold, I was anxious _all of the time_. The list of things contributing to that is long, but here are a few things that are top of mind:

- **Pressure to do well in a new job at a well-known company in the industry I work in.** I would consider this a normal pressure of being a working person.
- **Waiting for the other shoe to drop, because it always has.** If you don't know what this phrase means, I think [the explanation on gothamist.com](https://gothamist.com/arts-entertainment/the-phrase-waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-was-born-in-nyc) is good.
- **Expecting toxic behavior and having a guard up ready to protect myself.** In the past, I've been called names, gaslit about facts clearly backed by documentation and timestamps, bullied into changing my mind (or caving into pressure, rather), severely under-leveled and underpaid, held to different and unexplained standards than men on my team, not taken seriously when reporting issues, ignored in team channels whether asking for help or proposing a discussion, and more. These things didn't just happen at my previous job, they've happened in many places. But the level of toxicity in that environment is the highest I've experienced.

---

I've seen the same therapist since right before the pandemic started. We have talked _**endlessly**_ about the occupational dimension of wellness. We've talked about it so much, we also talk about overwhelming that dimension has been for me over the years.

> Skipping ahead in my story a tiny bit, we joked last time we spoke that we have nothing to talk about now since my work stress is very low now.

When I told my therapist about the struggles I was having, where I felt anxious immediately after sending messages in team channels, was spending a lot of time figuring out how to word messages in what should be easy conversations, she asked me if I'd heard of Brené Brown's marble jar metaphor. You can see her explain the metaphor [in a talk on her website](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/), but the gist is this: when people do even the smallest thing that improves your trust in them, it counts as a marble towards the marble jar. The more the jar fills up with marbles, the more you trust them.

The lesson is that trust is built over time with seemingly small and insignificant moments. After taking some time to think and process the metaphor, I decided I wanted to make rebuilding trust a prioritized and visual experience. So I decided to get a jar but fill it with buttons instead of marbles. Dropping a marble in the jar would've been too noisy of an experience, and this endeavor could double as a cute and fun button-collecting journey. I picked up some regular-sized colorful buttons and some much larger diamond-looking buttons. I designated the extra special buttons for trust-building moments that made me feel incredibly valued and grateful.

---

So far, this experience has been exactly what I need. Looking for all the good in my days had a similar effect to gratitude journals, I assume. I am looking more towards the good things than the bad, but not in a way that subscribes to toxic positivity. I'm still keenly aware that some bad things might happen, but I'm not expecting them to. I'm retraining my brain to look at situations in a more balanced and healthy way.

Examples of moments that are button jar worthy:

- **Getting thanked for vulnerability from multiple managers on my team.** Many of my previous experiences involve being told that I'm too emotional. Vulnerability has been the main thing that's brought me closer to the majority of people I know, so it's a relief to know that vulnerability is so valued.
- **Teammates engaging in discussions I start, and doing so in genuine and authentic ways.** In previous experiences, I've often gotten silence or dismissive responses. When teammates engage kindly and with interest, it shows we have a mutual goal to learn together and teach one another.
- **Getting asked questions about accessibility.** This is the first time I've been asked about accessibility regularly at work. It is so refreshing to be asked questions about my area of focus that is so deeply personal to me as a disabled person.
- **Having normal conversations in code review.** Code review is one area that I have a hard time in because in my experience, they either weren't a part of the development process or they weren't done in healthy ways with the right intentions. Seeing teammates regularly give each other compliments, share resources, discuss pros and cons, and being treated with all of that same kindness... it's hard to describe how valued it makes me feel.

To add to the very last point, I even found myself putting buttons in the jar for things that had nothing to do with me directly. Seeing teammates treat each other with kindness and respect showed me how they would likely treat me as well.

---

In the new year, I plan to keep doing what I'm doing. I don't really subscribe to annual resolutions. I'll do this until it's not valuable for me anymore, which I hope is far off because I'm excited to see the jar fill up with buttons and become a really beautiful item on my desk. I want it to be a constant visual reminder of how far I've come on this journey to healing.


Workplace trauma broke my trust. I'm working to rebuild it.

What a Jar of Buttons Is Teaching Me About Trust


I spent weeks deliberating whether or not I would write a public statement about what happened to me at my previous company. Then I spent days deliberating what exactly I would write. The time leading up to publishing this post was agonizing as I tried to figure out the balance between saying too much and not saying enough.

What it all came down to is two main things:

1. The full truth has not been shared with my previous colleagues, many of whom I developed incredible connections with through Accessibility Required, a Neurodiversity and Disability employee-resource group I co-founded in February 2021 and co-chaired for the rest of my tenure at the company. I cannot stand for my truth being misconstrued.

2. There are countless other marginalized folks actively suffering through the same, similar, and worse situations to what I went through. I hope if any of them come across this post that it helps them to feel less alone and encourages them to come up with a plan for survival as many posts like this one have done for me. We should not have to suffer in silence and isolation.

---

I worked at All Campus, LLC (headquartered in Chicago, Illinois) from November 18th, 2020 to October 1st, 2021. My offer letter specified that I was joining as a "Front End Developer". There was no level in my title and I was told that levels were not official in the team. If you're not familiar with how levels work in the tech industry, the gist is that they are used to convey the experience and responsibilities within a person’s role. All companies do this differently and the number of levels can range anywhere from a couple to even a dozen.

_A person's level has an enormous impact on the salary they are given. Check out [levels.fyi](https://www.levels.fyi/) to see how level and pay roughly look for technical roles at many companies including Google, Facebook, and Microsoft._

When I joined the company, there were two main developers on the team that I was to work with closely. One of them would not work with me. They were condescending when I asked clarifying questions and would say things like "I think the description is perfectly clear" when all a task’s description contained was a screenshot and non-descriptive words. They would talk over me during calls and force me to make changes to my code without discussion. They often reached out to the second developer to have them take their side in reviewing my code and even called them in from PTO once to review their code as if I was incapable of reviewing very straightforward and minimal code changes. The second developer took the person's side even when they disagreed with them. How do I know? The second developer told me so.

Thankfully, that first developer left not long after I started. They created an extremely hostile work environment and I would not have stayed in my position nearly as long as I did if they had not left. I later found out that they would obsessively complain about my Twitter feed to the second developer, so not only was my work environment unsafe with this person around, so was my personal environment. How do I know about this behavior? Again, the second developer told me so. It’s another example of how my work environment was still unsafe even after the first developer left. The second developer staying silent multiple times about such awful behavior enabled the other person to continue harming me and it conveyed to me that they weren't bothered by me being mistreated.

---

Things went okay between me and the second developer for a little while, but we were inherently considered to be the same level as far as I knew (even though levels were supposedly unofficial on the team) and there weren't any other experts in our work on the team. When we came to disagreements during code review (which became more and more frequent over time), we did not have someone of expert authority to make a final decision. These weren't petty or personal disagreements. They had to do with the other developer not being receptive to code review feedback I had to repeat over and over, them not writing their code to match specifications given by the design team, and them not wanting me to make some changes to foundational code because they were afraid something would break.

I raised the issue of growing dysfunction to our manager for months in a row but nothing changed. Our manager would chime in on code review when tagged in by one of us, but seemingly did not monitor our correspondence despite knowing there were issues. The manager took the other person’s side in most cases I can think of, even when the other developer was clearly in the wrong. In one situation the other developer said they didn’t build their code to design because “there were no designs,” and despite me linking to the designs that had timestamps pre-dating the developer’s work, they pressured the designer multiple times to accept the code work because it was “already done” despite still being in the code review stage.

In a one-on-one with the manager, I brought up specific behavioral issues that concerned me in code reviews that would spiral into hours of unproductive and unnecessary back and forth. Instead of focusing on the behavior issues I mentioned, they focused specifically on the code in the review and said "I don't see it as that big of an issue," implying that I was the cause of unnecessary hours of back and forth and implying that I should've never made the review comment in question in the first place. I tried to bring the focus back to the behavioral issues, and they said we should have a meeting between the three of us to get the other developer's side. I found that reasonable, and added that I was burning out from the unhealthy dynamic going on. The manager did not acknowledge this statement at all.

When the meeting about the code review process between the three of us was scheduled, I suggested that we form an agenda for the meeting beforehand to ensure we could all prepare and that we would each have equal time to raise topics or concerns. The manager never reached out to us to build an agenda even though they said they would, they were 20 minutes late to the 50-minute meeting, and as I anticipated I did not get to raise any of the concerns I had raised one-on-one for weeks. The other developer got to raise several concerns, kept diving into technical specifics of past code reviews when the purpose of the discussion was to talk about process, and the manager was quick to blame me for resolutions not being reached fast enough without even looking at timestamps that showed I efficiently facilitated resolutions in just a few hours.

---

A few days after that meeting would be my last one-on-one with that manager. I expressed my frustration with them not following through on their promise to build an agenda and with me not getting a fair chance to speak on the concerns I'd been telling them about for weeks. My issues were completely unaddressed, and I told them it felt like they didn't take my issues seriously, especially the ones I'd raised 2 weeks prior that prompted the group meeting. Then they became visibly frustrated by that feedback and told me their priorities were the big backend code problems.

I asked them if they saw big human issues as important, and asked them to consider my perspective after being told that code is more important than issues I'd been raising for weeks on end. They told me they couldn't solve all my problems. They actually had solved a very small percentage of issues I'd raised. I told them that I didn't feel like I was being taken seriously, and that they still had yet to acknowledge or validate that I told them I was burning out 2 weeks prior.

After repeating myself several times and them still not acknowledging it, I finally said that I was having a horrible time, to which they said it was "strong language" and that it is a problem when employees "hate their job". I told them not to put words in my mouth, because I never once said I hated my job. I tried to get them to recognize "burnout" as strong language, especially when sharing something so vulnerable to a manager, but I still didn't get the sense that they understood or cared. They mischaracterized what I called burnout as "overwhelmed by too much process" which is never something I said—I said there were specific behavioral issues that were causing frequent problems during code review.

When I listed the behavior issues about the other developer, they angrily told me that the other developer had problems with me too and that it sounded like I just wanted the manager to take my side on everything. Not only was this plain instigative and a dangerous thing for them to do, it also proved that they were very aware of dysfunction and let it fester for weeks. It was clear evidence in multiple ways of how they allowed and perpetuated a hostile environment. They continued to center themselves and claim they were under a ton of pressure from above.

Within hours of this one-on-one, HR became involved and I told my story to them. I told it to the manager's manager the following week. I told both parties that I did not trust the manager to accurately represent me or my work at the company when it came review time, mostly due to their blatant mistreatment of me and also partly due to their poor support and previous efforts to review me (I had an informal review in February 2021 that was poorly researched on the manager's part and I was given no time to review ahead of time or provide feedback). I also requested that we no longer have one-on-ones together. The manager's manager became my and the other developer's manager, to start working on the issues we'd been having for months and the hiring process started for a new person to manage all developers.

Shortly after this, the other developer left and I became the only front end developer and person managed by the skip level. During this time, I asked about what level I was. My expectation was that I was mid-level (AKA the second of three levels in the supposedly unofficial team career ladder) and I wanted to make sure that the situation with my previous manager was not going to affect my efforts towards getting promoted to senior. I told the skip level that despite requesting it numerous times from the person who previously managed me, I never had a session for discussing professional goals in my role and I was never told what they thought my level was according to the supposedly unofficial document.

When the skip level got back to me on that question, they told me that according to the previous manager and HR, they thought I was between a level 1 and a level 2 (which translates to between entry level and mid-level). I expressed my strong disagreement and the skip level effectively threw their hands up and said that the eventual head of engineering would handle figuring out my level. They should not have reached out to the previous manager, especially after I expressly stated I did not trust the person with my career. Many issues I raised to the skip level were being brushed off as culture issues the new head of engineering would have to fix.

These issues include:

- Not being invited to group coding sessions to solve problems I spent hours researching and reporting on
- The same people who excluded me from the coding sessions constantly dismissing my input and telling me I was wrong before actually digging into what I was sharing
- Being called a micromanager by a teammate after trying to collaborate with them on about a task they both misread and then didn't test their code for two days in a row

---

When the head of engineering finally started in late-mid August 2021, I was at the start of a two-week period of PTO. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically drained and feeling defeated, unwelcome, and very undervalued. Even still, I was optimistic about the new manager. I was casually interviewing with companies at the time (meaning I was only talking with a couple at once since that's what I had the capacity for). I wanted to make sure I had a contingency plan in place. I'd spent months being patient, but I needed to prioritize my health.

I was still the only front end developer and the only person working on that codebase. I took on paring down technical debt, writing tests and documentation, planning and scoping features, coming up with strategies for getting years-out-of-date dependencies fixed, and was involved in decision making for the rest of the year's roadmap. I was the expert on the codebase and invested a great amount of time and energy into things that were often neglected in previous years despite being the only person working on it. In my last week at the company, I wrote an extensive 22-page document transferring all of the knowledge I had about almost every folder and file in the codebase and all in-progress and planned initiatives. I gave everything I had to give for my entire tenure.

The new manager proved to be a great hire for the team from my perspective. They were receptive to hearing about how I felt unsupported previously, clearly cared about my opinions and ideas, and were prioritizing fixing major pain points in the development process that caused a lot of unhappiness even beyond developers. I felt valued by them in my work and empowered by their leadership. In the end, they were a huge advocate for me and truly tried to turn the entire situation around.

---

Towards the end of September 2021, I was entering sick time in the payment system and because it was the first time I'd done that since the new manager started, I checked the organization chart to make sure it'd been updated in the system that I reported to them. What I found there was completely unexpected. Other developers had levels in their titles and my title was Software Engineer (AKA level 1, AKA entry level). I was speechless. How did we have levels if levels were supposedly unofficial on the team? How was I hired at entry level when this was my fourth full-time job post-college, I had a degree in software engineering from an incredible program, and had worked 3 summer internships during college?

What I found out is that I was given different information than other people on my team. They were actually aware of their levels whereas I was told levels weren't official. Even someone hired at essentially the same time as me was treated differently despite us having the same job responsibilities and at the very least, the same amount of prior working experience. Because I found out people were aware of their levels and that was clearly something I was being treated differently on, I dug deeper and found out that they were being paid nearly 18% more than me despite having the same responsibilities and past experience. I also proved time and time again that I was absolutely not an entry level developer in any sense, so there were endless opportunities for this disparity to be corrected. I collected extensive data on the work I’d completed up to that point and tried to present that and the pay disparity to HR but was met with no sense of urgency despite my claims that I was significantly underpaid for going on 10 months. I was told to speak with my new manager about it, which implied to me that they disagreed with my claims.

Not getting similar pay when doing similar work is the definition of pay discrimination. Treating one person differently than everyone else is the definition of bias. Treating someone differently based on sex to the extent that it creates a hostile environment and preventing them from progressing in their career is the definition of sexual harassment. I did not leave for personal reasons. I left because I was discriminated against and traumatized by a biased manager and psychologically unsafe environment for months. I could no longer trust leadership to value or protect me after endlessly prioritizing a hostile employee and manager over any of the people that person traumatized for years. When that person directly harmed me, they were eventually replaced as a manager and given a promotion and new job title.

People directly involved in this incident were able to remain part of the Accessibility Required employee-resource group for months, contributing to feelings of uneasiness and anxiety within the ERG. All the while I was left to carry the work of several people as a lone front end developer with no real recognition—just empty words with no action behind them.


Speaking My Truth&mdash;I Did Not Leave for Personal Reasons

To be completely honest: I have no idea what the answer is here. I don't think there's just one correct answer. Burnout is so unique to every individual, which become more obvious to me after I asked my followers about how they cope with feeling uninspired:

> 💫🌟✨ Quick question 💫🌟✨
>
> What do you do for yourself when you start to feel uninspired? I haven't been coding much outside of work like I used to. My brain is telling me, "Write some code!" but when I open my laptop my body tells me, "Meh, close the lid."
>
> _[link to tweet](https://twitter.com/ashleemboyer/status/1187018680405643265)_

Some people take a break, some try to push through, and a lot of people said that they try to consume inspiring content.

This isn't the first time I've gone through burnout. It also happened at the beginning of this year when I finally figured out I needed a different work environment. With less than a year of professional experience at the time, I knew I'd have to work hard if I wanted to stand out from other folks with more years of experience. That's when I started [writing more](https://ashleemboyer.com/after-30-days-of-writing-on-dev-to), [networking on Twitter](https://ashleemboyer.com/why-and-how-you-should-use-twitter-for-networking), and [learning out loud](https://ashleemboyer.com/what-it-means-to-learn-out-loud).

Along the way, I discovered how much work there is to be done in my local community (and the world 🤯) when it comes to web accessibility. In the developer community, a lot of folks are under the impression that accessibility is hard or expensive. Outside of it, people are ignorant to how accessibility tools, such as screen readers, actually work and ableism is rampant.

When news about the [Supreme Court rejecting an appeal from Domino's] came out, it was really exciting to hear, until I read the comments. There were far too many people with far too little understanding of web accessibility sharing their opinions on whether or not companies should be sued for making inaccessible products. I tried to do my part in educating people by explaining that screen readers only read things correctly if a site is built to work with tools. I also argued with people about whether or not discrimination should be legal.

My overwhelming need to speak and educate along with the incredible amount of ableism I've come across in the last several weeks are what I think have mostly contributed to the burnout I'm experiencing. It's vastly different from the burnout I experienced earlier this year. As such, I had no idea how to fix it. I fell into this cycle of feeling guilty for not writing or coding on side projects, which led to feeling _even more_ burned out.

So what's starting to bring me out of this now?

- 🗣️ talking about it
- 🤝️ supportive friends
- ⏳ taking a break
- 🧶 hours of knitting
- ✨ inspirational content

If you're struggling with burnout, I suggest trying all of these things. Some of them will work and some of them won't. Everyone is different and even every time you experience burnout can be different. The people who matter will understand what you're going through. The ones who don't might judge you and try to make you feel bad rather than lend a hand.

Stick around the folks that lend a hand and support you. They'll see you through this. You'll make it to the other side.

Burnout is difficult and everyone experiences it differently.

How to Come out of Burnout


A few days ago, I came across a tweet thread by my e-friend, [@TheCodePixi](https://twitter.com/TheCodePixi), who's working on making [#SpooniesWhoCode](https://twitter.com/hashtag/SpooniesWhoCode) a thing, so make sure you join in if you're a spoonie who codes!

> Looking to connect with more [#SpooniesWhoCode](https://twitter.com/hashtag/SpooniesWhoCode)! Or maybe I'm already connected and don't know it? Leave a reply with a little about yourself and your tips for other [#Spoonies](https://twitter.com/hashtag/spoonies) (IE: Me!) on how you keep coding when you're low on spoons. Gimme all your tech self care tips 👇
>
> _[link to tweet](https://twitter.com/TheCodePixi/status/1166495789658624000)_

## But wait, what's a spoonie?

A spoonie is someone who deals with a chronic condition that frequently or randomly takes away their capacity to live life how they want to. If someone says, "I'm low on spoons," it means they probably don't have the energy to do something specific. This doesn't mean they don't have energy for _anything_.

Being a spoonie is a balancing act. We have to be picky about what we spend our spoons on. This is where the tweet comes in. It's **hard** to figure out the balance of what you _want_ to do, what you _need_ to do, and what you _should_ do.

You may _want_ to go out to dinner with your friends because you cancelled the last time. You may _need_ to do the dishes or some laundry because it's piled up over the past few days.

But what _should_ you do? Are you in pain? Are you tired? What are your limits?

## A little bit about me, a spoonie

I haven't always been a spoonie.

For 13 years, I played soccer nearly all-year-round. I quit after my first year of college. Rose-Hulman is an extremely fast-paced school, all the time, and I couldn't keep dedicated 3-4 hours a day to soccer and not get any playing time in return. This was a really hard change for me, emotionally and physically.

That last season, I was in my second car accident. The impact passed from my foot on the brake, up my leg, and into my SI (sacroiliac) joints. This is where your spine connects to your pelvis. Since then, I've had a lot of inflammation and pain in the area.

Two years prior, in my first accident, the vehicle I was driving rolled on its side after spinning out on ice. I never really got a full diagnosis from this, but had back spasms on the lower-right side of my back briefly treated by a chiropractor.

Just last year, I found out I have a slipped disc in my lower spine. It was a relief finally having an answer to all my back pain, but I was still sad about all the time I'd lost to the pain preventing me from functioning. I'd gained a lot weight because I couldn't exercise (and lots of college stress).

Aside from my back problems, I also started getting migraines very regularly my freshman year. I was taking "as needed" medication every single day. I ended up going to the ER for the first time due to a migraine a couple of years later. (2017, I think?) That's when I finally got _real_ treatment for them. I saw a neurologist and a found a GP experienced with treating migraines.

I took a lot of medication after that which, thankfully, slowed down all the migraines. Not thankfully, I had about every side effect in the book for some medications. I couldn't hold conversations, my face and fingers were going numb, and I felt like a zombie.

This is when I truly realized I couldn't keep doing all the things. Something had to give. It couldn't be school; I was already past the "normal" 4 years. I just needed to finish college. So, I stopped doing anything else. Some days, it was literally all I could do to drag myself to classes and group project meetings. I ended up missing a lot of classes. My grades in some of them suffered beyond repair. (I made it out though, woo!) My mental health suffered greatly too.

If _anything_ good has come out of these experiences, it's that I've learned a lot about self care.

## How I keep coding, or doing anything

_This is a summary of the tweet thread I made in response to the one above._

I usually have no idea what a day will be like until I wake up and get moving. Sometimes, I'll wake up with a migraine. If I have it all day and fall asleep with it, I will probably wake up with it the next day too.

My back doesn't bother me as much anymore, but I'm usually pretty stiff when I first wake up. The chronic pain typically is in my legs. On the bad days, it feels a bit like growing pains I guess. Like a heavy ache from my thighs through my toes.

My advice is to know your limitations. I'm pretty upfront with employers about the conditions I have. Some are judgy about it, some are fine. My current job has unlimited PTO and I can also work from home from time to time. Both of these are super helpful for me.

For example, if I have a migraine, it's helpful for me to work from home so I can minimize my environment as much as possible. Driving to work, walking through the city, and working in an open office layout with fluorescent lights only exacerbates migraines. At home, I can find a comfy spot to sit in with my laptop, turn off some lights, and close curtains to block out more light.

As for the unlimited PTO, that mainly eases my fears of being judged for "needing a day." Whether that's for resting because of pain or taking a mental health day.

> Spoiler alert: you probably won't need as many mental health days if you work in a supportive environment.

But let's talk about the other times where these things aren't applicable. If you _have_ to go to work, try to express to your team if you're not operating at 100%. I hope they understand that. (Is anyone ever at 100%?)

Once you're home, use your remedies! I have 3 or 4 things I try before declaring my migraines as "impossible." After that, all I can do is lock myself away and sleep. That seems to help some of the other conditions too!

### Moral of the story

[Just take a break](https://ashleemboyer.com/don-t-forget-to-take-breaks). You are one person and can only do so much. Don't overextend yourself. You and your work will suffer.


It's hard to code when you deal with chronic illnesses or disabilities. Here's what I try to do when those things start to get in the way.

How I Keep Coding When I'm Low on Spoons


[Fiona Thomas](https://twitter.com/fionalikes), author of [_Depression in a Digital Age_](https://www.amazon.com/Depression-Digital-Age-Highs-Perfectionism/dp/1912478501), has a free ebook called [_How to Get Stuff Done with Depression_](https://fionalikestoblog.com/2017/09/19/getstuffdone/?fbclid=IwAR3l2_kzCXyUB6SbGbPU9f6p8ga4HOfkB9-ad4eyb0MfgiIAqo3mUhs54jA). In it, I found advice that helped me in my worst times. A little over a year ago, I was still on campus at Rose and was so depressed and anxious I could hardly function. It's an evil cycle: I felt bad about being unable to be a good student, employee at my part-time job, dog mom to the lovely Trooper, or partner to Zach; then I felt worse because I couldn't perform pretty simple tasks around our place such as loading the dishwasher.

At some point, I Googled for any online resource or support group I could find. I was desperate to pick myself back up again. That's where I found Fiona's free ebook. There are several good pieces of information in there, but what I've found that helps me the most is this:

> All you have to do to get stuff done is be productive for ten minutes. Out of your entire day, all you need to do is make a promise to do a little work for ten minutes.

It sounds a bit silly at first, but what just 10 minutes of productivity can do is start to build momentum for the rest of your day. It's the same concept as what [Naval Adm. William H. McRaven](https://news.utexas.edu/2014/05/16/mcraven-urges-graduates-to-find-courage-to-change-the-world/) explains about why you should make your bed every day:

> If you make your bed every morning you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed.

What I've also learned is that we must be OK with just one 10-minute task. We need to be always gentle with ourselves because this tactic (probably all others, too) is not a fail-safe or it alone will not solve everything. Definitely consult a professional for help when you're so deep in anxiety and/or depression that you're unable to function. But this is one thing that continues to help me personally, even as I'm mostly doing better than I was 1 year ago.


I freeze up when overwhelmed by too many things to do. Here's how I start to work through the paralyzation.

How I Get Things Done When I'm Feeling Overwhelmed


_Life is really hard sometimes. We're all going through something. You're not alone._

What you're doing is hard work. It's taking up a lot of your energy. You don't feel valued for all of your efforts. It's not fair, I know. But if you're reading this and strongly relate, chances are you can't stop just yet. It's just not the right time.

So, what now? You have to keep moving. Give it everything you've got. It's OK if that's not much. Do whatever it takes. We all have our days and need a moment. Some people need more moments than others.

If you're not connecting with this article in your life right now, make sure you let other people take their moments. We have no idea what other people are going through in their personal lives. Some people have it really bad. Don't anyone's life harder than it has to be.


Life is really hard sometimes. We're all going through something. You're not alone.

I Know You're Tired


I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it forever: your health is more important than anything else. Take care of your body. Feed it good things. Rest it when it hurts. You’re not a bad person if you need a break or to step back from something. Sacrifice your well-being for no one.

_This post is short because_ I _need a break. Hope to be back tomorrow with our regularly-lengthed posts. 💕_


Listen to your body. It’s very honest about how it’s feeling.

Sometimes You Have no Choice but to Pause


Since I've lived in apartments for the entire 3 years I've had my dog, Trooper, Zach and I have always had to walk him with a leash. Our current apartment has a nice bark park, which helps him get some energy out, but for the most part, he's on a leash.

It's easy to get bored while walking your dog on a leash. Sometimes, I pull my phone out to take a quick peek at an app (this is a whole separate issue, really 😜) while he's staring off into space or letting out little huffs at other dogs/humans.

After a while of him standing still, I think (rather impatiently), _"What are you_ looking _at? Can you just do your business already?"_. Here's the thing: he has no choice but to be present in every single moment. Their brains aren't wired like ours to think about the future.

![Trooper looking into the camera with a grassy background. His coat is dark brindle and he's wearing a red halter and leash.](https://thepracticaldev.s3.amazonaws.com/i/b84s2n8z4k0eq8wa4pi0.JPG)

Bonus! Here's another picture of Trooper. :)

Trooper can really only think about what's right in front of him. Who knows if nature intended this, but I assume that animals are like this for a reason. _Wild_ animals don't have time to worry about things that aren't even happening&mdash;they're too busy trying to survive predators and starvation.

Most of us don't really have to do that, at least not to the same degree. Trooper doesn't have to do that either since we take care of him, but what's the coolest side effect about him still having a limited perception? He's an extremely happy pup. He's content watching birds, sniffing flowers and poles, and sunbathing.

So, what can we learn about mindfulness from our dogs? You'll be a lot happier if you practice it. Try not to worry too much about things until they're actually a problem. Try to use your phone a little less. Look up. Look around. See the beauty in your surroundings.


My dog has nothing to worry about, but it's not like he could do it if that wasn't true.

What You Can Learn from Your Dog about Mindfulness


Work (hopefully) doesn't consume our entire lives. Every single one of us comes from a different background and we're also all in very different stages. Despite this obvious fact, there's still a ridiculous stigma against people expressing emotions at work. We aren't robots, so what's the deal?

Let's first think about what people consider "emotional" behavior based on gender biases&mdash;I think it's important. If someone says a woman is being emotional at work, they might think she's angry or aggressive when disagreeing with a statement or correcting someone if they interrupt her. These same people think this is normal behavior for men and don't call them emotional for it. Come to think of it, do men ever degradingly get called emotional for any of their behavior at work? I've never seen it in my own personal experiences.

But what if we all could show some emotions at work without it being seen as a bad thing? Our jobs are frustrating. Software is frustrating. Clients are frustrating. _So what_ if someone gets mad at their desk for 30 seconds because the bug they've been working on for a few days or a week is still not fixed? As long as they aren't being disruptive to their teammates, I don't see a problem.

If someone is going through something in their personal life, such as losing a loved one, let them have some space when for a while. They're probably going to be really quiet for a few days. They might cry at their desk or hide in the bathroom. If you see them do either, just be supportive. It's not hard and it doesn't have to be awkward. Also, keep it to yourself if they confide in you. It's not your place to chit-chat about someone else's situation.

So, let's normalize people being human at work. I get that it's a society-wide issue, but I can't think of a better place to start fixing it than at your work, with people you interact with on a daily basis.


I think it's time to stop making people hide in bathrooms in fear of looking unstable for healthy and normal behaviors.

Let People Have Emotions


Sometimes, you need a day. When you have a job in tech, the amount of available knowledge to us can both incredible and staggering. We fear to look unintelligent to our peers and colleagues, so feel obligated to learn everything we can. The desire to learn is not the issue here, though. What's important to remember, is that it's impossible to learn _everything_.

You can spend hours on end reading up on the newest frameworks and testing them out, but you know what? That framework will still be there tomorrow. You don't have to spend every waking or free hour writing code. I'm _not_ saying you should procrastinate learning or [give in to Resistance](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007A4SDCG/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o00?ie=UTF8&psc=1). All I'm saying is, really listen to your body. If you're falling asleep while sitting at your desk or on the couch, it's probably time to take a nap or go to bed. If it's taking you 3 or 4 times as long to complete a task because you're feeling anxious, it's probably time to step away.

Don't be afraid to put some things down for a minute. Your best work is done when you're feeling your best. But if you can't put the things down right now, make sure you are [taking breaks](https://ashleemboyer.com/don-t-forget-to-take-breaks). Please don't put your own health on the line for this. One day will not put you behind. Care for yourself. You deserve it.


There are a ton of projects on my to-do list, but it's just been one of those days.

I Wrote Zero Lines of Code Today


Do you want to know what I most often forget to do when I'm working really hard? _I forget to eat._ That's a funny thought at first. Like, how do you forget something so vital to your existence? (I have zero ideas, so please tell me if you know the answer. My stomach will appreciate it.)

My point is, I get it. It's hard to take breaks and for various reasons. We often feel a ton of pressure to get all of our work done as quickly as possible. Guess what? It's never done. Ever. If you work in a food service business, there are always people wanting food. If you work on a support call line, there are always people needing help. If you write software for a living, there are always people asking for more features or telling you how you need to do better.

What do these examples have in common? They're focused on other people. Most of us are happy giving our time and effort to others and we don't want to let them down. If you're like me, you try your hardest to keep everyone happy, and might even put others' happiness and well-being before your own.

Let's do less of that. Take care of yourself too. It's not one bit selfish to take the time you need to do whatever it is that'll help you refresh (as long as you aren't hurting anyone or yourself!). You'll be in much better shape to do you your job effectively.

Here are a few of my own suggestions you might want to try when you need a break:

- Take a 5-minute walk outside or around the office
- Stand up and do a few stretches by your desk
- Have a snack (or the meal you forgot about 😅)
- Spend a few minutes just focusing on your breathing
- Drink a glass of water or a cup of tea

If you have any of your own suggestions you'd like to share, please do leave them in the comments or [send me a tweet](https://twitter.com/ashleemboyer).


You and your health are important. If you want to do your job effectively, make sure you're taking breaks.

Don't Forget to Take Breaks


Let's face it: nothing you make will ever be absolutely perfect. Some people may not like the final product. Maybe you could remove a paragraph or two from your blog post or reword a few sentences. Your code could probably be refactored in a few different places. That drawing might look cleaner if you erase a couple of smudges.

We all know what happens to projects once we start falling down these rabbit holes. "I'll just spend a couple of minutes fixing this little thing," can turn into a few hours or longer if you're not careful. In my experience with code, it could take even longer because you might accidentally break something totally different while trying to clean up a few functions.

Obviously, there's a time and a place for everything. Projects put you through various phases of pressure. Sometimes, you don't have the chance to make the code as beautiful as you want. Functionality is almost always more important because your client probably won't ever see your code. All they care about is that their product works well. So, when it comes time to punch, try not to worry too much about making the code perfect.

Rather, make some quick notes about where the code needs some help and what you might to do make it better. Hopefully, you can go back later and make the improvements, but if that isn't the case, you can either pass those notes along to the next person or use them to explain what you learned about the project experience. People expect you to learn more than anything. They will value the experience you have to share.


We all feel pressure to make things perfect, but don't let it crush you. There are alternatives we can work with.

Neither You nor Your Work Has to be Perfect


_Originally written in late February 2019_

The unknown is absolutely terrifying, probably because we can't control what we don't know. But have you ever taken the time to think about how it feels to have all the information you need about something and still know you can't control it? It's terrifying _and_ infuriating.

Next week is the beginning of a totally new challenge for me. I'll be taking a class ~2 hours away from my job, and I have to change my work schedule to accommodate for the commute. 4 days per week, I'll be working from 6am - 2pm and then traveling to a lecture that lasts less than an hour.

Most of my fear about how the next 3 months will go has manifested as anger at the past. I think a lot about all the things that could and _should have_ gone differently for me. When I went to campus a few weeks ago in preparation for the term, I couldn't help but walk the hallways feeling sad for my younger self. She deserved so much better than she got at the time.

Then I think about where I am now. I live with my best friend and the life we've built together is something beyond I ever dreamed. We have a lovely home and handsome pup we share it with. The past year has involved so much growth in our relationship and I've never connected with another human more.

What if just one thing had gone differently while I was in college? Would I still be where I am? I probably wouldn't be the same person. All I know about right now is that am completely content with my life and my relationship with myself.

It took a while for everything to feel OK. But it got there, and I made it too. I have arrived and I am resting for the next trip. Nearly a year of rest has given me the space to realize that it was definitely OK to be scared all those times.

Fear keeps us moving, whether or not it's in the right direction. What's important is that we look at our surroundings periodically to make sure we're on the right track. When you see something scary looking you dead in the eyes, just keep faith that you _will_ be OK.

Everything will turn out exactly as it should.


The unknown is absolutely terrifying, probably because we can't control what we don't know. But that's OK.

Posts Related to the "mental-health" Tag